Country Pumpkins Corn Maze (Of Doom)

 

I’d never been to a corn maze, so when my fabulous editor Amy asked me to go review the location, I jumped on it. However, what should’ve been a fun excursion ended up a nightmare. So pay attention and learn from my mistakes.

I tried to find people to go with, but my friends thought a corn maze was for children. Therefore I went alone, because I wanted to cross this item off my bucket list. (Tip # 1: Never go anywhere without your posse, because then you’ll have no one to save your ass when things go south.) I headed out to the Country Pumpkins Corn Maze in Orland on a sunny October afternoon. The place was packed, mostly with parents and their kids. The maze didn’t look hard—it’d probably take 10 minutes, tops. (Tip #2: Don’t get cocky.)

I entered the maze like everyone else. The family walking ahead of me disappeared around a bend, leaving me alone. I hurried in their direction, rounding the corner as they had, only to stop dead. They’d disappeared. The path continued straight, so there was nowhere else to go. (Tip #3: It’s never a good sign when people disappear into thin air.) I should’ve turned around or screamed for help, but I kept going.

Someone somewhere once said that by turning right given the choice, it’d get you out of any maze. (Tip #4: Don’t believe everything you hear.) The leaves shifted eerily in a cold breeze, finally alerting me to the utter lack of human sound. I was alone…lost in a corn maze…shit.

The sudden absence of light forced me to look at the dark clouds rolling in, although the forecast hadn’t mentioned a storm. Abruptly, a ferocious wind shoved me forward. I started running—I don’t know why, but a feeling of dread set in and all I wanted was out of this creepy maze. I dug for my phone, but came up empty. (Tip #5: Never leave your phone behind when going, well, anywhere.) The next right turn led me straight into a wall of corn. So much for my foolproof method.

When I turned left, the wind shifted too, pummeling me head-on. It felt like trying to run while completely submerged in water. My breath hitched in my throat and the muscles in my legs screamed from exertion. Minutes felt like hours. And then I saw it— freedom. I sprinted toward the exit, but as I moved forward, it moved away.

Suddenly a cold chilling gust blew at my face and I watched as the walls of the maze on either side of the path shifted, slamming together, starting at the exit and heading straight for me. Oh crap…

And then…I woke up. Suffice to say, that dream is the reason I’ve removed corn mazes from my bucket list. If you still want to go, here’s a list of essentials:

1. Phone

2. Map of the maze

3. Blow horn

4. Machete or flame thrower

*Disclaimer: Item 4 probably shouldn’t be brought to a public place.

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