Bro-ing Down With the Broapp

Let me explain. My brother Spencer is the likable one. He smiles easily, is great with people, and can make absolutely anyone laugh. That said, he’s been known to make poor choices from time to time. Exhibit A: the time he did doughnuts in his ‘85 Toyota station wagon in a church parking lot to impress a girl, forgetting he’d left his gas cap off. Myself, my friend, and her older sister (the girl in question), stood on the sidewalk in front of the church watching as he jammed his foot on the gas, cranked the wheel, and approximately a third of the gas he’d just bought came gushing out of the tank.

Exhibit B: The time he thought it would be funny to make a fake body by stuffing newspapers into an old mechanic’s suit, then adding a mannequin’s head and a large black, curly wig, positioning it by the side of Skyway then waiting behind the bushes with two friends and a video camera to see if anyone stopped. Spoiler alert: No one in Paradise gives a shit about (pretend) dead bodies on the side of the road.

Spencer isn’t what I’d call necessarily intellectual, but he definitely isn’t stupid. I think he just doesn’t like the idea of putting effort into an academic pursuit unless he sees a fairly immediate payoff from it. He chooses to apply himself only when he really cares about something, but when he does he usually pulls some sort of Rainman-esque brilliance out of nowhere to learn everything there is to know about the topic.

That long-winded intro is just to set the stage in your mind so you understand that when Spencer came to me a few years ago with an idea for an app, his enthusiasm and natural charisma almost fooled me into thinking it was a good idea. Almost. He explained that he’d come up with an app for heterosexual men who were in relationships and in need of a night out with friends. “How great would it be,” he said “if there were an app that would text your girlfriend automatically if you were out with friends? Like for instance, it could text your girlfriend every hour or so, with something like ‘I miss you. I wish I was home watching Real Housewives with you instead of out in this boring bar.’”

Needless to say, he left that idea by the wayside when he became a wine rep and didn’t have time in his busy schedule for inventing realistic quips to populate the app. It turns out though, maybe it wasn’t as terrible of an idea as I might have thought (that’s a lie, it’s still a terrible idea). There’s an app that was just released for Android called BroApp that automatically sends prewritten messages to your girlfriend to give the illusion that you don’t suck. According to their site, “…boyfriends compose a number of texts, which can be timed to be sent automatically on a specific day, even if he is busy enjoying the company of his male friends. BroApp leverages advanced algorithms to intelligently determine the best time to send a text message to your girlfriend.” That shit is bananas. I can’t believe someone made an app like that. In other news, I have to go now, I’ve attained Candy Crush nirvana at level 515. Later, nerds.

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.