Blobfish Blues

My mother used to tell me a story about how she had a pet goat for a few days. One day on a walk, she and her sister found a little baby goat wandering around, bleating in that way that goats do: equal parts pathetic and adorable. They decided the sensible thing to do was to bring it home with them, and make it their new goat friend. Agreeing that the lavatory would make the perfect “welcome home, we now have a pet goat” staging area for their mother, they shut the goat in the bathroom and waited.

Amazingly, their mother (or “Ol’ Gam Gam,” as I call her), agreed to keep their new four-legged friend, but they all ended up collectively deciding it was a poor choice. Turns out that goats, even little adorable ones, really love charging and headbutting things as a whimsical way of playing. Good between two goats (or a goat and a brick wall), but not so great when it’s between a goat and a child (or two).

I can understand the inclination to give up an adorable pet who headbutts everything, but I can’t help thinking that a better solution would have been to swaddle the family in bubble wrap. If I’d been given a pet goat I think I probably would have made it a fort out of those dumb orange bike helmets we used to get at safety assemblies in elementary school. I don’t know about you guys, but seeing the assembly leaders demonstrate the fragility of the human skull by smashing watermelons didn’t especially inspire me to wear a helmet. It mostly just instilled the belief that I should always be scared of tripping and spilling my brain meats out.

If you’ve wondered what life would be like for a goat, roaming around and being generally adorable with a penchant for headbutting, you’re in luck. Coffee Stain Studios, a Swedish game company is in the process of creating a game appropriately called Goat Simulator. The game seems to mostly consist of a goat running around urban and rural areas, running, headbutting, frolicking and generally just having a grand ol’ goat time (except for getting hit by a car a few times). You can see a video of the alpha gameplay online now.

Lastly, in cinema news Colin Farrell (In Bruges), Jason Clarke (Zero Dark Thirty), and Rachel Weisz (The Constant Gardener), have reportedly all signed on to star in The Lobster, a love(ish)-type story that takes place in a dystopian future and is currently in pre-production. Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos (Dogtooth), is tackling the film in which single people are arrested and brought to a creepy hotel and ordered to find a mate in 45 days. If they fail, they’re transformed into an animal and released into the woods. I have two reactions to this news. First, with so many movies these days being remakes of old movies or books, it’s kind of refreshing to hear of a plot that I haven’t heard before. Secondly, if you find yourself single this Valentine’s Day, maybe you should count yourself lucky that you don’t have to worry about someone forcing you to pair off, lest they turn you into a Blobfish.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.