Well, it would appear that after a few false starts and patches of merciful rain, summer is officially here. How do I know this? Mostly by the frequency at which I wake up covered in sweat and mentally begging for the sweet release of death by face bludgeoning. (Is that a thing? Face bludgeoning?) Anyway, summer is here, so this week I’m doing a roundup of some summery stuff happening all around.

Nothing says summer like sweat, and I’d imagine that nothing is more awful in the summer than having a beard, as it would be exactly like wearing a face sweater that you can’t take off. The geniuses at Rogue Ales (specifically Brewmaster John Maier) have intuited that what the masses really wanted was a beer that tasted like beard. “Hooray! A beard beer,” said no one. This beer is literally brewed from beard yeast. Disgusting, right? I know.

Rogue Ales had this to say on the topic on their website: “It’s here! Our latest brew dedicated to beards, ‘Beard Beer’ is brewed with yeast created from Brewmaster John Maier’s beard. No need to freak out; brewers have used wild yeasts in beer-making for centuries. John has had the same old growth beard since 1983 and for over 15,000 brews, so it’s no great surprise that a natural yeast ideal for brewing was discovered in his beard. What does Beard Beer taste like? Try it, we think you’ll be surprised…”

Hey Rogue, if no one is asking for a product, it could be because no one has thought to ask for it. Or maybe it’s because it’s a terrible idea. I’m guessing the latter in this case.

Maybe there’s something in the air, but it seems like companies all over the place are concocting vomit-inducing products. Topless Robot is reporting that a specialty candy company specializing in odd flavors (Lollyphile) is releasing a breast-milk-flavored lollipop. They claim it’s vegan, but if the animal in question is a human, does that still count? I had a history teacher in high school who posed the incredibly depressing thought to us that everything terrible that anyone can imagine doing has already been done. I feel like the parameters have definitely been widened by the Internet.

As if breast-milk lollipops weren’t bad enough, Laughing Squid is reporting that there are chocolatiers in England who have created the “Edible Anus,” described on their site as “rings of succulent chocolate lovingly cast and crafted from the delectable posterior of our stunning butt model. Watch Grandma’s face light up as she unwraps a homely selection of chocolate cracks.” Yes! How did they know that I’ve been wishing someone would make a mold of a stranger’s asshole and make asshole chocolates I can hand out to everyone in my family? I think I smell a Father’s Day present in the works…

I guess this column didn’t really turn out to be so much about summer. Oh well. Blame it on the heatstroke.

Candy Crush Update: Level 182. I’m starting to hate the sight of chocolate.

image source: laughingsquid.com 

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.