So. This week, all us staff writers were asked to add an “apocalyptic” theme to our columns. I thought long and hard about how that should be echoed in my writing this week… and I came up empty. I blame the heat. I know I talk about the weather an inordinate amount every week, but seriously guys—when it’s this goddamn hot, what the fuck else am I supposed to discuss? This climate is too hot for people to live in, I swear to god. I’d like to blame my intolerance for the heat on the fact that my ancestors are from Russia and we don’t do hot weather too well. The insta-headaches and immediate sweat-drenching in the morning is too much to bear. If I could work from a bathtub filled with ice, with a bottle of Maker’s, I’d never leave. I really should speak to someone at Synthesis about that. I could just be the drunk weirdo in the corner who hangs out in a bathtub all day, mumbling obscenities and yelling at the interns to bring more ice.

If I was really pressed, I guess I’d have to say that the idea of an “impending apocalypse” brings to mind the slowly declining intelligence of humans as a whole. There was a depressing factor to the movie Idiocracy, in that imagining our world sliding into a place where stupidity is revered, and people breed, fight, and masturbate at will, isn’t really a far reach from the current climate. In fact, a recent article from the Huffington Post suggests that us Westerners have “lost 14 I.Q. points on average since the Victorian Era.” They report: “women of high intelligence tend to have fewer children than do women of lower intelligence. This negative association between I.Q. and fertility has been demonstrated time and again in research over the last century. The reduction in human intelligence would have begun at the time that genetic selection became more relaxed… this occurred as our ancestors began to live in more supportive high-density societies and had access to a steady supply of food.”

Yikes. It’s not all bad though, as conflicting research has been found which suggests a rise in I.Q. scores since the 1940s, “a phenomenon known as the Flynn Effect. However, experts suggest the Flynn Effect reflects the influence of environmental factors, such as better education, hygiene, and nutrition, and may mask the true decline in genetically inherited intelligence in the Western world.”

Finally, all you can really do in this ungodly temperature is take cold showers and drink something cold. To aid you in this, I’ve included the recipe of my recent favorite, the St. Germain Mojito from abeautifulmess.com

Ingredients:

Fresh mint leaves

1 oz. St. Germain

1 oz. light rum

1 TBSP honey

Club Soda

Lemon

Lime

Directions:
In a tall glass, muddle 5 mint leaves with honey. Add the St. Germain, the rum, and the juices of half a lemon, and half a lime. Add ice and top off with club soda, mixing well. Garnish with lime and enjoy!

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.