Congratulations! You’re about to embark on the exciting adventure that is college life. But wait! Before you dive headfirst into that pool of questionable depth, consider this sage advice form the experienced pioneers who came before you.


Scenarios for the girls:


{bad} Heather & her friends let Molly leave the bars downtown by herself to walk home alone.

{good} Amy goes home with Molly in a cab to make sure she gets home ok.


{bad} Heather thinks that it’s the guy’s responsibility to carry a condom.

{good} Amy carries condoms; it’s always a good idea to take charge of your own safety. Plus, syphilis goes around college campuses like hair on fire.


Scenarios for the guys:


{bad} Andy knows that his bro-ham Aiden is already wasted but thinks Aiden hasn’t celebrated hard enough so he buys him a pitcher of purple hooters.

{good} David sees that his bro-ham Aiden is already 3 sheets and decides to help him get home safely.


{bad} Andy goes home with a girl after a night of raging and the girl is passed out on the couch. Andy has sex with her anyway.

{good} David goes home with a girl after a night of raging and the girl is passed out on the couch. David doesn’t rape her, he treats women with respect.


College Don’ts:


Don’t tie all of your inner tubes together in a flotilla on the river.

Don’t spend all of your financial aid money on bongs.

Don’t sign up for credit cards.

Don’t play on the train tracks.

Don’t light sofas on fire.


College Do’s:


Do use the buddy system! Safety in numbers.

Do practice safe sex. College campuses are breeding grounds for STD’s and being pregnant makes Organic Chemistry extra hard.

Do be aware of who’s at your party. Drugged out assholes are sneaky buzzkills.

Do roll your buddies over when they’re passed out. Passing out on your back can lead to choking on your own vomit and death.

Do carry emergency cab fare.

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