Having friends and family (mostly family) that are on the crunchy, earthy side—what I like to refer to as “earth cookies”—has its benefits. Some of those include hearing weird, far-fetched conspiracy theories. And being someone who loves Coast to Coast as much as I do, you can imagine how this might appeal to me. One relative (who shall remain unnamed), tried to dissuade me from moving to Los Angeles when I was eighteen because there was a rumor circulating in the crunchy crowd that the world was getting ready to issue a powerful series of earthquakes, specifically to the West Coast. Recently, I heard another one that explained how our planet’s rotation is speeding up, and how this extra mileage is causing people to lose their goddamn minds (see also: heart attacks, high stress rates, spontaneous brain explosions).
I was reminded of this theory recently when I found gawker.com had published a letter written by Rebecca Martinson of the Delta Gamma sorority at the University of Maryland. The letter was a heartfelt appeal from Martinson to her sorority sisters to stop being “fucking awkward and boring.” Yes indeed, this letter came straight from the rotted-out pit of blackness where Martinson’s heart used to be…in theory. I don’t know, maybe the quicker Earth rotation is to blame for her expletive-laced letter, including such gems as: “Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.”
And now, because the Internet is an awesome and terrifyingly transparent entity, Miss Martinson’s Twitter account has been found, and as Ned Ryerson would say, it’s a doozy. Fortunately, screenshots of her Tweets were taken before its inevitable deletion, so you can peruse her immortalized idiocy at your leisure. Careful though, just a few tweets deep and you’ll probably be screaming at your computer screen. Some of my favorites include tweets that showcase her well-sharpened racism, narcissism, general stupidity and malice, a few of which I’ve included at the bottom of the page for your reading pleasure.
That’s all for this week, if you feel the need to inject a little levity into this totally depressing topic, head on over to funnyordie.com and watch Michael Shannon (of Boardwalk Empire and Bad Boys II fame) read the letter in its entirety. Godspeed.
“I like my men like I liked(sic) my karate movies… vaguely asian but white enough that I can understand what they’re saying”
“To the girls running on the treadmill at 3.7 mph… why do you even bother #domore #gohome”
“Bitch don’t you DARE be asking me for extra mayo on your sandwich when you have 6 chins dribbling down your neck #lipo #ihateyou #eatless”
“It’s gotten to the point where I have trouble talking to people not in greek life because I have no idea what they do with their spare time”