Armpit Apocalypse

This is the tale of a showdown between my armpits and the Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips with Vitamin E and Almond Oil. (The package contains 40 reusable wax strips; 6 “perfect finish” wipes; leaflet. Made in France.)

With the possibility of an apocalypse on my mind, I found myself at the Terget in the lady-scaping section checking out home wax kits. Waxing doesn’t require the use of water, so I thought, “Perfect! I am going to be so sexy during the end of days.” Because we’re in the middle of a heat wave, I decided it was about as apocalyptic as it normally gets, so it’d be the perfect time for a test run.

I read the instructions carefully and decided that my legs would be the ideal place to start. First, you put the wax strip between your hands and rub really fast to create some heat so that the wax has a more molten feeling when you’re applying the strip. This is their patented HairCoating Technology at work. Veet’s Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips go on smooth, and the Easy Grip tab was, in fact, easy to grip. With the deftness and sleight-of-hand speed of a magician ninja, I ripped my Ready-To-Use Wax Strip right off my leg. It worked! Hairs were all up in there, like fossils trapped in sticky HairCoating Technology amber. I made short work of both my legs, confident that waxing my underarms would be a cinch. Minimum pain! Huzzah!

With one arm reaching high to the sky, I smoothed a fresh Veet Ready-To-Use Wax Strip in place right in the middle of my armpit—like a waxy superhighway about to go running through my lady armpit yard. I grasped the Easy Grip tab and then with the technique of a master aesthetician, I smiled and ripped away.

When I woke up, I was on the floor with a Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strip stuck to the side of my face. As consciousness returned, I registered that I had passed out; my armpit was in agonizing pain, possibly bleeding, and maybe I’d ripped off all of my skin. I looked in the mirror to survey the damage…there was definite redness…and most terrifyingly…there were still hairs. I was going to have to do this several more times. I cringed at myself in the mirror, looked at my strips, and as a tear rolled down my cheek, I attached a clean Veet strip to my already stinging, burning, aching armpit.

When the whole ordeal was finally over and my red, puffy, tear-stained face matched my red, puffy, bloody, sticky armpits, I picked up my box of Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips and prepared to throw them in the trash. But that’s when I noticed that I’d neglected the last step—I forgot to apply the Perfect Finish Wipes to get rid of the viscous, sticky wax remaining on my underarms. The Perfect Finish Wipes were oily, yet bone dry; some kind of devil’s technology, the leaflet didn’t say. I wiped away the wax, and unable to really put my arms all the way down, I waddled out to the kitchen like a penguin and put a handful of ice cubes under each arm and contemplated the nature of pain.

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Sara makes the words happen.