Amy’s Ultimate Bunker

Most likely if there’s a nuclear holocaust or a giant meteor hits the earth, I don’t actually want to survive. What would be the point of crawling out of your bunker a year or five after the fact, and then spending the rest of your miserable life in a horrific wasteland? Just ask the dinosaurs—they took one look at that bullshit and offed themselves using tar pits and rocks and stuff.

I could totally handle being left behind after the Rapture though: waiting out the famine and pestilence and the Whore of Babylon riding the seven-headed beast and what-have-you, and then building a new society with all the sinners and heathens. The same goes for economic collapse or a flu pandemic. I would look kick-ass in a Tina Turner/Beyond Thunderdome outfit.

There are certain necessities that may be more necessary to me than to other people. I weigh quality of life very highly alongside survival—and to me, quality is defined by soothing my need for efficiency, and a significant amount of sensory indulgence.

Food, Exercise, and Energy

Cooking indoors in a bunker may sound like a big pain in the ass/potential risk of carbon monoxide poisoning, but it can be both fun and productive. There are certain things that just have to happen, so it’s best to make them multi-taskers. Riding an exercise bike to charge up batteries for running your EZ Bake Oven combines heating your meals, training for the Hunger Games Arena, and keeping your ass firm and shapely just in case you have to turn to prostitution (hey, gotta have a plan B). Speaking of Plan B, couldn’t hurt to stock up on contraceptives.

Preserving your Sense of Style

Some foods stand up very well to canning, and offer an interesting variety if you plan ahead and make them yourself: soups, stews, a plethora of internationally-themed meat-and-veg-glops, fruit pie fillings (I see no reason to live in a world without pie)…. The key here is to stockpile enough of these to eat well, and to best utilize the space they’ll take up. Shelves are immovable space-wasters, and as they empty out you have nothing to look at but a depressing lack of what-once-was. I propose building walls out of them, layering the meals for optimum variety and a visually stimulating pattern; as you eat your way through the year, your space transforms and becomes more open and pleasant.

 

Making Entertainment Work for You

What do you do with all those empty cans? Combine your crafting skills with your impending need for sexy body armor and lethal weaponry. You will need a ball-peen hammer (heh heh, ball-peen), a sturdy pair of tin snips, a metal punch, rivets, files, and of course plenty of sweet flame decals and fur pelts. Be sure to consider styles for each season, and focus on making a nod to historical and cultural references while still being innovative and fashion-forward.

This is also a great opportunity to develop some acrobalancing and juggling skills. Why? Why the hell not! What if it turns out the War Lord dominating your territory has plenty of prostitutes and warrior women, and really likes clowns? You’d feel pretty stupid if you wasted all that time reading survival books and doing push-ups.

Do You Like Luxury?

Of course you do. And what says luxury better than fluffy bunny slippers, a glass of chardonnay, and a plush recliner outfitted to double as a toilet? I know what you’re thinking: Where are you going to store that much wine? Well here’s the genius part of it—there’s a reservoir of it in the chair!

Want Not, Waste Not

Ok, all the major bases are covered. But Wait! What are you going to do with all the poop? Two words: Home Defense. Rig a system where waste storage can be fired like a water cannon at anyone stupid enough to approach your door. Sure, they claim to be desperate and seeking nothing more than a night of safe shelter from the Scorpion-tailed Locusts, but fuck them. Utilize the strategy of the Komodo Dragon: slow death by infectious bacteria. That’ll teach those bunkerless interlopers.

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Managing Editor for Synthesis Weekly. Amy likes to make clothes, plant flowers, and chase butterflies.