What Are The 5 Shocking Ways This Column Will Set Your Mind At Ease

I can’t decide if I love or hate click-bait. I don’t like the feeling of being so obviously manipulated to increase a website’s value to advertisers, but damned if I don’t love the promise of answered questions, hearing how I’m about to feel, and knowing how many things I’m about to see. Especially if there’s cats involved. Fluffy bastards.

There’s more to this issue than my fascination with the tactics of Upworthy and Buzzfeed, however. We also have the second installment of our Aqueum trilogy, a show preview for the Leftover Cuties, lots and lots of lists, and our columnists tolerate a week of having their titles sensationalized. I’m excited to find out how much they hate me after this.

Speaking of last week (which I guess we weren’t), I’ve received some inquiries about the outcome of the events I described in my previous column. In the interest of closure (and themes), here is an epilogue in five parts:

1. Statica and College Boy: What had begun as a whirlwind romance between and a girl and the availability of a car, ended in a very disappointed guy who was definitely not getting any, and an irrationally angry girl picking apart his driving the rest of the way home the next morning.

2. Amy: Having come to terms with the fact that she was (for all intents and purposes) single now, Amy closed out the night by making out with Fozzie and deciding to travel with him and Jesus from there on. The romance didn’t extend into their future, but they remained friends and companions for several weeks.

3. Fozzie: The next destination after leaving Chico was a Los Angeles hotel where they were robbed at gunpoint. Fozzie was shot in the side, and subsequently developed a marvelous addiction to morphine. He wound up back home in Louisiana after that, where he got himself in a bit of a misunderstanding over a “mock-kidnapping for ransom” of a “friend” who owed him money (who hasn’t been there, amirite?), resulting in a long-term house arrest. Which was probably for the best.

4. Jesus: After parting ways with Fozzie, Jesus went from town to town throwing a series of guerrilla raves out of a school bus, his purple bathrobe becoming increasingly soiled and dingy.

5. Nutsack: Upon sobering up, Nutsack wandered back to the highway and hitchhiked home to whichever one of the Carolinas he came from. He eventually contacted Amy to let her know he was OK. The drum was never seen again; presumably it is still waiting on a mountaintop for the real Haile Selassie to come whisper his secret name.

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Managing Editor for Synthesis Weekly. Amy likes to make clothes, plant flowers, and chase butterflies.