I don’t like cats. Well, let me rephrase. I don’t like cats in general. Sometimes, if a cat has a good personality I’ll make an exception, but for the most part they suck. It probably doesn’t help that I’m allergic to them too, so anytime I’m dumb enough to pet them, I’m awarded with hours of itchy eyes and constant sneezing. I don’t know what it is about cats. Maybe it’s the seeming indifference to everything, or that smug tail flick thing they do. I’m just not a fan.
The biggest bummer surrounding cats is that they are (apparently) taking over the entire goddamn planet. For proof, we need only look to the Internet. I’m not sure when cats became such a huge deal, but I’d like to think you could trace it back to Garfield. That fat fuck, he really did ruin everything. Anyway, it seems cats have taken their plan for world domination via the web to the next level, and it’s a two-pronged attack.
For their first phase, we turn to Catmoji, a site with a Pinterest-esque layout, but the only topic at hand is cats. It feels a little like Facebook as well, with profile pages that feature a timeline-type deal. The upside of this stupid site is that the cat people will have their own social network. The downside is that I feel confident that the addition of designated online real estate for cat lovers won’t diminish their presence on Facebook or other social network sites. If you’d like to see the feline dysfunction for yourself, head over to catmoji.com and enjoy seeing all the videos and pictures of cats you never wanted to see.
The second prong of their kitty domination comes in the form of an interactive map produced by the ZSL London Zoo. You can see it at sites.zsl.org/maps/catmap, and please enjoy the absolute weirdness that comes in learning dumb facts about someone’s cat on another continent that I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW. For example, “Peach,” is a mixed female cat who’s “too intelligent for her own good. She’s always thinking and she doesn’t miss a trick. Except the one where we said we were taking her to get a new toy, and instead we had her spayed.” Ok, I made the last part of that up. But seriously, dummies, get your dumb cats spayed and neutered.
Lastly, to leave you with some nightmare fodder, we turn our attention to Iran. The Huffington Post is reporting that Tehran’s multi-decade-long struggle with rats is turning for the worse, with rats that weigh as much as 11 pounds having the run of the city (Am I the only one who didn’t know Tehran was having rat problems?). International Business Times quoted Tehran city council environment adviser, Ismail Kahram, as saying, “They are now bigger and look different. These are changes that normally take millions of years of evolution.” My brain is already a nightmare factory; I really didn’t need real-life R.O.U.S running around the Middle East. Dammit.